Review: Faculty Meeting in the Red Room

It was another long night: El Presidente presided over a room full of bundled-up professors only tenuously aware of the subtleties of parliamentary procedure. Why were they bundled up? It's chilly in the Red Room.

Unlike the last time the Faculty Meeting packed this venue to capacity, when a bedraggled junior faculty member ran in after the gavel had fallen, snagged the last available comfy seat and thrilled to pie charts through a ninety minute set and 17 encores, last night the Faculty Meeting was devoid of pie charts. And pie.

What's the first to hit the chopping block after a budget crisis? The high-end snacks.

Undaunted by a singular choice of cookie, however, the Faculty kicked out the jams last night: motions were proposed, amended, and voted on. Amendments were amended. Points of information were obtained and held up to the amps for spine-numbing reverb. The question was called, twice. Someone fell asleep.

Having played this room a mere two weeks ago, mesmerizing rowdy meeting-goers with a long, improvisational jam session, the Faculty were clearly eager to shake up the set list, and the unanimous vote to establish a "Middle Eastern Certificate Program" was an absolute stunner with quick riffs and a haunting and impassioned plea. And who would have guessed that they would dig up a rarity like "Commendation of the Women's Hockey Team"? No one called for an encore. We had seen enough.

The next time the Faculty Meeting plays the Red Room -- and they will -- they'll surely bring back some old favorites -- "Pie Charts," "What's the Difference Between Writing Intensive and Writing Attentive?" and "Dogs on Campus Policy" -- but can anything top last night? Stay tuned.

Opening for the Faculty Meeting was a woman sitting to my right who ignored my feeble attempt at conversation and expected me to take off when the students were asked to leave the room.

Toaster 2.0

I have never been very good at throwing out old things that still work just because they are old, no longer shiny and twenty times larger than their updated version. Either I become attached to them, or I don't like the idea of replacing something that still works, or both. Also, I don't want to contribute any more than I already do to landfills. Still, sometimes you gotta just admit it's time to move on. But what to do with the old junk? Here are four of my recent upgrades, the destination of their outdated counterpart and my assessment of the process.

#1 Printer.
The new one: I got a new HP printer/copier/scanner and it has already revolutionized my life (well, I scanned this classic image from the ol' college days, which was cool).
The old one: I got it free about 3 computers ago, which means it was too old to work with my newest computer.
Where'd it go: HP recycles or reuses their old printers. They pay for me to ship my old printer back to them and gave me 10% off the new printer.
Assessment: Mission accomplished.

#2 iPod.
The new one: I got for Xmas and is very snazzy and orange, not to mention much smaller and easier to handle on runs.
The old one: Still kicking.
Where'd it go: Reassigned to the kitchen, where it plugs into a CD player and provides musical interludes to NPR.
Assessment: Two iPods, ug. But I'm using them both!

#3 Stove.
The new one: I bought the floor model of a fancy convection oven for cheap. Well, cheaper.
The old one: A crappy old stove that was here when I moved in.
Where'd it go: Removed by the previous owner.
Assessment: Technically, it was not mine to dispose of, but it's probably in a junk heap somewhere, and that might be my fault.

#4 Toaster Oven.
The new one: Pretty much the same as the old one, except newer and cleaner and not bent. Has a somewhat annoying ding.
The old one: A toaster oven my parents got 40 years ago for their wedding. Was dirty and beat up and just plain old.
Where'd it go: Donated to a visiting professor who likes toast.
Assessment: Pay it forward. Let no man, woman or child go without toast. Success .

South Padre Island, MA

Last year a friend and colleague of mine at Amherst told me that although the first year of a new faculty position is stressful, the second year hits you like a ton of bricks. He was right.

I'm halfway through the second semester of my second year, it's Spring Break, and I'm going to use this week to pick myself up off the ground, dust myself off, shake off the haze and get ready to power through the rest of the year.

What would I rather be doing this week than reading Spanish major comprehensive exams, sending out book proposals, reading for my classes for next week, making a list of books the library should buy before they run out of money, editing a senior's thesis chapter and starting to work on a conference paper for this summer? Lots of things.

Maybe I'll just post some inane stuff on my blog, though, and pretend it's a vacation.