AcademYawn Awards

There's nothing better than getting the beers and munchies going, chowing down on a couple of Cheeseboard pizzas and making snide comments en masse during a four-hour awards ceremony. But last night's Academy Awards were pretty lame, in my opinion: no big surprises and nothing all that great to make fun of. Sure, we had our annual moment of reverence for George Clooney, joined this year by a moment of reverence for Al Gore, who got a good laugh. And there was Celine Dion's ubiquitous presence to ridicule, an errant bow on Nicole Kidman, and Clint Eastwood pretending to do a simultaneous Italian translation, but c'mon! Where was the tacky see-through dress? The impassioned political rant, cut off by the orchestra? The upset win? The unexpectedly choked-up acceptance speech? The starlet who forgets to thank her husband? The old geezer who doesn't read off the cue cards? The look of utter disgust on the face of one of the losers? Where was, you know, the good stuff?