It's hard out here for a Ph.D.

Culled from the job listings for Spanish positions in academia, here are some of my favorite actual job requirements (institutions have not been identified to protect my ass) and a few snide remarks about them:

The Immigration Reform and Control Act of 1986 requires the university to inform you that we can only employ U.S. citizens and aliens lawfully authorized to work in the U.S. Each new employee is required to present documentation verifying identity and right to accept employment. Members of protected class groups are strongly encouraged to apply.

The first part of this sounds like it was drafted by Dick Cheney. But then: protected class groups? What, like, bald eagles?

Responsibilities include teaching all levels of language classes, developing a linguistics track, ... directing and teaching in overseas programs; and participating in Spanish chapel. Interested candidates should send a letter of application, a curriculum vitae, a short statement of teaching philosophy, a response to [the Institution's] Christian mission.

We enjoyed this one last year, too. I wonder what would happen if you sent a diatribe against the Institution's mission. Hey, it's a response!

[Institution] is committed to employment equity and diversity in the workplace and welcomes applications from women, visible minorities, aboriginal people, persons with disabilities and persons of any sexual orientation or gender identity.

Visible minorities? What is this, "Soul Man"?

The applicant may be required to teach courses through alternative delivery methods.

I love this. Can you can teach in Klingon, or balanced on your head? Or maybe by playing the Telephone game? ("Psst! Cervantes is trying to subvert common notions of truthful narrators here. Pass it on!")

All faculty are required to abide by the standards of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. Preference is given to members in good standing of the sponsoring Church.

I'm not sure why this is even listed on the MLA Web site, since most of us would fall under the category of serious heritics according to this institution's guidelines. This institution in the state of... uh... wait... I can figure this one out...

Background check will be conducted on the applicant selected for the position.

This is actually a job I'm applying for. I hope they can't check out my middle school record. That would be embarrassing.